You are reviewing a project timeline and your Project Manager is responding to your questions with one-word answers.

Your colleague just wrapped up a team meeting and while everyone seems in good spirits, you have a nagging feeling that not enough is getting done.

The client you thought was collaborative just spoke to you in a tone that was condescending.

Have these things happened to you? Probably. These experiences are, unfortunately, common.

It’s hard to feel good about a conversation in which the other party withdraws, acts aggressively, or fails to get to the heart of the issue. It’s unproductive, a waste of time. A productive discussion is mutually beneficial and satisfactory to all parties.

When it comes right down to it, there are only four types of discussions.

• Dialed up – This is a discussion where someone is dominating the discussion either in a subtle or overt way.  Such behaviour can trigger a “fight, flight or freeze” response, so if you are leading the discussion with this type of energy, you will find that you’ll elicit a version of the “fight” response in return or the other person will withdraw. Either way, you can be sure that it won’t result in a productive discussion.
• Dialed down – This is a discussion where someone fails to engage and holds back. You will find that they respond with short, abrupt answers and won’t elaborate without being prompted. There is an aloofness in this type of discussion. It feels disjointed, as though the other person can’t wait for it to be over.
• Dialed in – This type of discussion is tricky. It fools us because it feels good. While we’re connecting and the dialogue feels engaging, it is disproportionately social – at the expense of dealing with the task at hand. Dialed in discussions are marked by vague commitments or surface level responses. Even though this discussion looks like a positive one, little, if any, progress is achieved.
• Dialogue – This is the goal. The experience is a safe conversation that allows for a candid flow of thought and a genuine openness to one another’s point of view. In this discussion, relationships deepen and results happen. It is a conversation that demonstrates assertiveness, respect, clarity, and action. Productive and respectful leadership behaviours create dialogue.

What can you do to experience more dialogue? Here are 3 places to start.

• Check your mindset. Even before you begin the discussion, consider whether you are truly open to hearing the other person’s perspective or mainly focused only on what you want to say.
• Be clear about what you want to discuss. It’s easy to get sidetracked, particularly when discussing something you feel strongly about. Clarity creates the confidence and focus you need to stay on topic.
• Find out the opinion of the other person before you talk about yours. When you do this, you are demonstrating to the other person that you are interested in their views.

Dialogue strengthens relationships. While it isn’t always easy, it does matter. It is through relationship that we get work done, achieve results and create meaningful outcomes. It is also through relationship that we experience work satisfaction, joy and fulfillment. Aim for dialogue. It’s worth the effort!