Somewhere along the line I was cautioned about using the words “never” and “always”. Notwithstanding that sound advice, I find one situation which I regularly encounter with people leaders where these words fit like a glove.

Difficult discussions.

Never have I encountered a people leader who enjoyed this aspect of their job. Furthermore, they always acknowledged that to address their issue of concern, a difficult discussion was their next step. The most common example is a performance discussion with a team member but also regularly avoided are difficult discussions with peers and bosses.

What makes this task so uncomfortable?

Many people worry about offending or invoking a defensive reaction that harms a relationship. As a result, they put it off, avoid it altogether, or give feedback in a way that is vague or smoothed over.

Many of us can relate such reactions however the trouble with them is that they’re about us and how we feel. They don’t consider the other person. If we truly care about the other person, we’ll have their back and have the discussions we don’t really want to have.

How can we make this easier? One way is by avoiding common derailers people leaders unintentionally create that make these discussions harder than they need to be. Here are a few derailers to watch out for and how to avoid them:

• Failing to adjust for the other person’s receptivity to the discussion.
  Discussions are frequently initiated with a quick “got a minute” and then we launch into talking about what we think without pausing to see if the other person is open and willing to talk. We can gauge the other person’s receptivity by their behavior. If someone seems rushed, withdrawn or flustered, it might not be a good time. If unsure, simply ask them but ask only after you have been clear about what you want to discuss.

• Not being clear or direct about the purpose of the conversation.
  Often, we think we are clear about the topic of conversation but then we “dance around” or downplay the concern. Sometimes, directness is avoided for fear of evoking defensiveness but the irony is that it’s the ambiguity that gets another person’s guard up. By being clear and direct at the outset of the discussion, in a way that isn’t critical or finger pointing, the other person knows exactly why you are meeting and while they may not like it, at least they wont’ be wondering what you’re up to.

• Not adjusting for the other person’s workstyle or behaviors.
  Failing to gauge the other person’s ongoing openness during the conversation ensures that as a people leader, you won’t be making the necessary adjustments to your approach. Without adjusting your behavior to the other person, the discussion is less likely to have a productive outcome. For example, if the other person gets quiet and seems to withdraw, slowing down and asking them open-ended questions to draw them back in will help the discussion get back on track. Dominating the conversation won’t.

• Saying what we think without asking for the other person’s views.
  Dialogue in tough discussions brings productive outcomes. One-way discussions don’t. Telling the other person what to do, without getting them involved in the conversation, shows little regard for their perspectives. This becomes particularly risky for people leaders, who because they have more power than their teams, risk shutting the door to that team member’s participation in future discussions. Instead, a reliable strategy to understand the team member’s views first and then give their own. When leaders do this, they’re often surprised at what they learn when they get curious about what other’s think.

If you find that you’re a people leader who puts off those tough discussions, remember the long game. Think about the outcomes of the work you and your team are creating, the impact you want to have on others, and the prospect of a stronger relationship. These are the reasons why these discussions matter.

You are more likely to regret the discussions you didn’t have, then the ones you did.