I went to Tanzania earlier this year expecting, and wanting, to summit Kilimanjaro. It’s been said that the mountain decides who will summit. I thought I decided that, but the mountain had other ideas.

Shortly after we began our ascent, the rain started. With our rain gear, we were prepared but it wasn’t the light, passing kind of rain. Even though it wasn’t rainy season, it was the persistent, soaking kind that turns trails into rushing streams and creates waterfalls where none existed the day before.

Everything stayed wet and on one particularly long and steep section of the climb, the rain became even more demanding. I remember arriving at camp after that hike not feeling relieved or triumphant but empty.

The next day there was no rain at first, yet I fell behind almost immediately. My pace slowed in a way that didn’t match effort. Also, my breathing felt off and I couldn’t regulate it. My body felt unfamiliar, like it wasn’t responding to what I was asking of it. Halfway through that third day, I made a decision.

I would go down instead of up.

Sometimes the Right Decision Still Hurts

It felt like the right decision in that moment, and months later, it still does. Yet, it was still a disappointing one and remains so.

I had committed to this trip. I trained and prepared for it as best I could. I wanted the full trek, the full experience, and instead I got part of it.

For a while, it was easy to let “not summiting” become the story. It was easy to focus on what I didn’t finish and what I didn’t do. Fortunately, over time, something else became just as true. I started to see that I had also trusted myself and I listened when something wasn’t right. I chose what my body was telling me over what my goal was asking of me.

Success Isn’t Only Completion

As I reflected, a paradox became clearer. When you are in a tough moment, clarity can be hard to find. A strong focus on the outcome you want can help you endure. It can help you push forward when things are difficult. At the same time, there are times when those same moments call for the opposite response to not push through but to change direction.

That was the case for me. Yes, the mountain tested my endurance, but it also tested my discernment. It required me to accept what was unfolding for me, in real time, rather than what I needed the story to become. In that moment, I chose to descend because I accepted that continuing wasn’t the right decision for me anymore. I chose myself over the outcome I wanted.

Maybe the Goal Is Not the Point

There’s a line from the Rolling Stones: you don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need.

In the lead-up to the trip, I noticed my focus narrow. What was meant to be a multi-faceted experience of volunteering, hiking, and safari slowly collapsed into a single measure of success: reaching the summit. Getting to the top became a kind of pass/fail outcome, a finish line that would define everything before it. (I wrote about this here: https://sparkworksleadership.ca/the-summit-is-not-the-whole-story/)

We often turn goals, even meaningful, complex ones, into single points of validation. What happens for many of us is that without noticing, a quieter and sneakier question begins to sit underneath the goals – Am I still “enough” if I don’t succeed in what I set out to do?

It’s a question that ties worth to achievement in subtle but powerful ways. This question doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate when we reach our goals. I’m genuinely happy for my fellow trekkers, especially my close friend, who made it to the summit. It was an incredible accomplishment, and it required persistence, strength, and courage to get there.

It simply means something else is also true. We are all still worthwhile, capable, creative humans whether we achieve a goal or not. I didn’t achieve the goal, but I am still me. I’m still someone who enjoys the outdoors, who likes to hike, who seeks beauty and meaning in nature. That didn’t disappear when I turned around. If anything, I came back with a deeper understanding of myself than when I left.

Sometimes we get what we set out for, and sometimes we don’t.  When the outcome doesn’t land the way we planned, it can feel like loss and if we stay there too long, we can miss what else is present for us such as the people we meet, the beauty we see, and the experience we’re living through.

What I Came Home With

I didn’t summit Kilimanjaro, but I didn’t come back empty. I came back with trusting in myself a little more, learning that decision-making is about pushing forward and also about listening closely enough to know when not to, and being reminded that I don’t need achievement to prove I belong to my own life.